


so much darker when a light goes out

by cosmicocean



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, anyway i don't know what the fuck to title this so this is what we got for now, but it is also a very little slip of a fic so like idk not much there, it is SUPER angsty so be warned, this is like barely anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-13
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-27 07:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17762720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicocean/pseuds/cosmicocean
Summary: “Whoa. Taako, come look at this.”Taako heads over to where Magnus has pulled back the hood on the robed figure and looks down at it. Her face is a little blackened from the effect of the magic missile, but her features are still distinguishable, and she looks, to be honest, an unerring amount like Taako.“Huh,” Taako says, peering down at her. “She looks a whole bunch like me.”“She looks exactly like you,” Merle says. “That’s freaky.”“Do you have a secret twin you didn’t tell us about?” Magnus asks.Taako scoffs. “Please. As if you could double perfection."A brief AU where somehow Lup has survived to the point of Here There Be Gerblins in that vault, only to be killed by the mindwiped Tres Horny Boys, who don't know her from a hole in the ground except as a threat.One of them, in particular, actually.





	so much darker when a light goes out

**Author's Note:**

> I'm letting y'all know now, don't expect things to be super fleshed out and detailed and intricate in this fic. There's some stuff fleshed out, but not super deep. This is like a glimpse of a fic. I might expand on it someday, but for now, I just wanted to get this out of my head, so I wrote the bones of it.

They enter the vault, and there’s movement in the form of red. 

“Oh _shit_ ,” Killian says, readying her crossbow. “It’s a _krrrrrrrk!_ ” 

“Yeah, I still don’t know what that means, my dude, but I’m gonna guess that it’s not good.” 

The thing in the red robe rears back at the sound of Taako’s voice, seeming startled. Taako ignores the reaction. 

“I punch it!” Magnus yells. 

“Then _do_  it and don’t _say_  it, dummy!” Merle snaps. Killian shoots a crossbolt at the robe, but the bolt dissolves into smoke at a wave of their hand. 

“Wait-“ A voice rasps from the robe, raising one hand to suggest stopping and the other to lower their hood, an umbrella at their feet. It’s a voice oddly familiar, but it only rattles around in the back of Taako’s head, and it doesn’t find a place, so he waves it off. 

“Yeah, fuck that, I cast Magic Missile.” 

The spell bursts from Taako’s wand almost impressively. A fireball explodes in their immediate vicinity, and the figure in the robe is slammed, shunting against the wall. 

“Yes!” he crows. “Score one for Taako!” 

The body jerks violently, the umbrella convulsing. 

“Actually, um, the, um, whichever the dwarf one’s fuckin’ fantasy name is, attained that, that score one right there. Good luck, Merle.” 

“Well, actually there, pilgrim-“ 

“No, that’s not your voice.” 

“What the fuck is happening right now?” Gundrun asks. 

“ _Can all of you fucking back up?_ ” Killian hisses, pointing her crossbow at the robed figure again. 

The staff shakes again, a red light suddenly being sucked up from the robe and into the staff. The robe stops shaking and the staff stills. 

“How the _fuck,_ ” Killian whispers. “Did you _do_  that?” 

Taako shrugs. “That’s how we do.” 

“No, but, the _krrrrrk_  are the most powerful _krrrrk_  there is, how did you- you shouldn’t even be _capable_ \- especially, _you-_ “ 

Taako gives her an affronted look. “Hey.” 

“I mean, you did kinda describe yourself as a simple idiot wizard earlier,” Magnus points out. 

“Maybe I’m capable of multitudes. You don’t know.” Taako peers at the figure. “You think they’ve got any valuables on them?” 

“I want that umbrella,” Merle says, reaching towards it. His fingers brush against the umbrella handle, and sparks shoot from it, flinging Merle back hard enough with a wave of force that he slams into the opposite wall. 

“Ooh,” Taako says, wiggling his fingers. “Let me give it a whirl.” 

Magnus laughs. “Hold on, so, Merle grabs it and gets thrown across the room, and you go ‘my turn!’, and reach for it?” 

“I live like I’m dying.” Taako reaches for the staff. Bolts of lightning shoot from his hand and the handle as he grabs it, and then just as Taako is starting to worry one of them will light his hat on fire, it stops. The body slumps to the side. Taako inspects the umbrella. It’s nice. Red. Nice handle. Some form of wood, he’s not sure what, Magnus keeps going on about wood proficiency so he may know, but Taako also doesn’t care enough to ask. 

“So, I have an umbrella now.” 

" _What the shit_ ,” Gundrun yells. "What the shit was all that lightning stuff about? And the, the robed figure, and the magic umbrella- you guys are crazy!”

“Yeah,” Killian says, eyeing Taako especially warily. “I, uh, I hate to side with Beardy McCrazy over here, but there’s _definitely_  something weird about you.”

“ _Handle_ it.” Taako twirls the umbrella around by the handle. “I do!”

Merle laughs. “Nice.”

“Whoa. Taako, come look at this.”

Taako heads over to where Magnus has pulled back the hood on the robed figure and looks down at it. Her face is a little blackened from the effect of the magic missile, but her features are still distinguishable, and she looks, to be honest, an _unerring_  amount like Taako.

“Huh,” Taako says, peering down at her. “She looks a _whole_  bunch like me.”

“She looks _exactly_  like you,” Merle says. “That’s freaky.”

“Do you have a secret twin you didn’t tell us about?” Magnus asks.

Taako scoffs. “Please. As if you could double  _perfection._ "

“That doesn’t explain why you’ve got a weird double in a robe just hanging out in a secret vault, Taako.” 

“Does she have a goatee?” Merle asks. 

“What-“ Magnus shakes his head. “No, Merle, you can _see_  her, you can _see_  that she doesn’t have a goatee, what the fuck-“ 

“I’m just saying, if she had a goatee, then maybe she’d be the evil twin.” 

“What,” Killian says. “The fuck are _any_  of you talking about?” 

“Have you thought about growing a goatee?” Magnus asks. 

Taako sniffs. “Not once in my _life_." 

“Ohhhhhh,” Merle says, like the secrets of the universe have been revealed to him by whatever god he’s rolling with these days, Taako can’t be bothered to remember what people say to him. “I bet I know what it is.” 

“What?” 

“I bet it’s that guy from earlier.” 

“What? Barry?” 

“It was Barry all along,” Magnus whispers. “ _What a twist._ ” 

“No, no, the other guy. Magic Brian. I bet he couldn’t get in the vault and enchanted this person to look like Taako so it’d throw us for a loop in case he couldn’t get to the thingie first.” 

All of them go _ohhhhh_ at once. 

“Surprisingly smart of Magic Brian,” Magnus says. 

“Well, he did have a fabulous accent,” Taako points out. “Definitely a sign of culture.” 

“Still, though.” 

“Maybe the DM just banked on us not killing Magic Brian so fast and we fucked up his backup,” Taako says with a shrug, hefting the umbrella over his shoulder. “We’re just that good.” 

 

_Her awareness comes back slowly._

_The only thing she remembers, for the longest time, is her brother’s uncaring face before she’s blasted into nothing._

 

“I’m just standing in my truth,” Taako tells the Director lady (Taako’s not a big fan of not having a name other than _Director_  for her, no one directs _him,_  thank you very much, if anyone should be directing anyone, as a matter of fact, it should be _him_ ). “Listen, could you tell us a little about your-“ 

Something in the Director’s calm, almost tranquil mask slips, eyes darting to his hand. “Taako… what is that in your hand?” 

Taako blinks, looking down at his hand. He’d been gesticulating with his new find. Probably the only way she noticed. Hopefully, anyway, unless she’s got some super secret ability to tell stuff he’s stolen. He really doesn’t want Merle to know about the boots, so hopefully lips stay zipped on that one. “Oh, that. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh spoils of… what have you?” Taako gives up on trying to find an excuse. “Whatever, I killed the joker who had it so it’s mine now, rule of law, check the handbook.” 

“Who looked just like Taako,” Magnus pipes up. “Some kinda weirdness by Magic Brian, we guessed?" 

“No goatee, though.” 

Taako turns on Merle. “ _Will you stop it with the goatee, stop trying to make that happen._ ” He turns back to the Director, and he catches a glimpse of her rearranging her face, he can’t tell from what, but something almost like horror- 

“Yes,” the Director says smoothly. “That does... sound like Magic Brian’s sort of play, I am sure that’s… what that was. Kindly refrain from motioning with it so much, if you please, I’d prefer to _not_  be thwacked with it, thank you.” 

 

“Hey, do you know what’s up with this umbrella?” Magnus asks. Taako would have preferred he didn’t ask, he doesn’t want her taking it, but he’s sure he can steal it back at some point, if he has to. 

“Um, no, but our artificer might.” The Director clears her throat. “You, ah. You should hold onto it, I think, though. It’s… very sharp. Perhaps it could come in handy someday. A good… token. Of your first unofficial mission for us." 

“Do you mean sharp as in pointy or sharp as in, y’know, looking  _coooool?_ ” 

She smiles at him, it only seeming the slightest bit forced. “Whatever you like, I’m sure." 

 

The night they settle into the Bureau of Balance headquarters, Taako wakes sharply. Not from Pringles's horrible snoring, which had prevented him from sleeping earlier. It’s from dreams he can’t remember. When he opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is the Umbra Staff. It lays there innocuously. He’s already been planning outfits to co-ordinate around it, ways to showcase this flashy new part of himself, the trophy he’d won by killing some dumb idiot duplicate. Couldn’t even fight properly. Something’s been hollowed out inside of him. It’s the dreams, he thinks. The dreams he can’t remember. 

Taako's cheeks are wet, he realizes. He sits up to touch them and stares at his damp fingers, bewildered. He doesn’t _cry._ Not since, well, Glamorsprings, and the morning he woke up to see that Sazed was gone. He doesn’t cry. It’s part of his _thing._

“Taako?” Magnus mumbles, evidently hearing him shifting around in his sleep. “You ‘kay?” 

Taako clears his throat, hoping the raspiness of his voice can be passed off as sleep hoarseness. 

“Fuckin’ Pringles, my dude,” he says over his snoring. 

“ _Fuckin’ Pringles_ ,” Magnus agrees wholeheartedly. “He can snore like a motherfucker, huh?”  

The hollowness begins to fade. 

 

The staff makes him feel powerful and protected and lost all at once. Taako doesn’t understand, and for once decides to well and truly slip into his idiot wizard persona, and not pursue the feeling. Something inside him tells him that he shouldn’t, anyway. 

 

_She screams and screams for her brother, once she has the consciousness of having a form again, hurling herself against the walls of her prison, begging, crying, raging, telling him there’s nothing to forgive, that once he remembers again everything will be okay._

_He never hears, and so she does what she has always done: her best to protect him._

 

“Taako…” the Red Robe starts, trailing off in confusion. “Taako… where did you get that umbrella?” 

Taako looks down at it. “Oh, yeah, I took it off this dead thug with a red robe.” 

“You…” The Red Robe’s voice gets a little creakier. “You…” 

“She was totes dead, though!” Magnus chimes in. 

“No, she wasn’t, Taako killed her,” Merle corrects. 

“Yeah, how can you not remember, I _wasted_  that fool, even without my super awesome amplifying umbrella thing, Magic Missile, baby, it was epic.” 

“What…” the Red Robe’s form starts to jerk and flicker. “What…” 

Magnus and Merle take large steps away from Taako, and it occurs to Taako, for the first time (and it feels almost like it’s been flitting at the edge of his consciousness, like it’s been refusing to let him get there), that perhaps the figure in the red robe, while certainly enchanted to look like him, was maybe a Red Robe in capital letters, and telling another Red Robe that he killed one of their compadres is not the most A+ Taako plan he’s ever devised. 

“You found her?” the Red Robe whispers. Then, suddenly, he explodes into fire, a shrieking noise emitting from the flames as he roars “YOU _KILLED_ HER?” 

The fire feels like it’s going to get too close for just a moment, and Taako experiences a brief flicker of panic, like maybe this is it- 

And then the Red Robe vanishes, and the world around them starts up again, Lucas speaking as though nothing had happened, and Taako is left gripping his umbrella, possessed by, oddly enough, a tremendous sense of guilt. 

 

_She prays that this will not be what breaks Barry, the knowledge that Taako struck her down, the grief she knows he’s feeling, the confusion, the anger at the sheer goddamn unfairness of it all, she hopes this is not what tips him over the edge-_

_and then it comes so close, and it doesn’t, and she is so proud of him._

 

The name _Lup_ , burned into the wall in front of them, makes Taako start crying again, and it’s in front of Angus, which is just… the _worst_. It’s the absolute worst. In front of Magnus and Merle, yes, that would suck, Lucas, awful, god forbid, _Leon_ , but Angus just absolutely takes the fuckin’ cake. 

“Sir?” Angus asks timidly, clearly out of his depth and confused, clutching his notebook after proudly declaring his new mystery to solve. “Sir, are you… fine?” 

“Yes. I’m always fine. Fine as _hell._ ” It doesn’t lift his own spirits. Instead it makes him cry harder. He angrily scrubs at his cheeks. “Shut up. This isn’t even crying, this is just… involuntary response. To the flames. It’s fucking _hot_. Makes your eyes water and shit.” 

He sits down, putting the Umbra Staff next to him. Angus tentatively sits on the opposite side of the Staff. 

“Do you know what Lup means?” he asks. 

“No,” Taako mutters. 

“Are you… telling me the truth, sir, or is this like that thing where you guys play keep away with-“ 

“ _No,_  Angus, I don’t, okay, I don’t know what it means, you can, you can get Merle in here, and he can get all Zone of Truth on my ass, if you like, if he manages to _roll_  well enough-“ Taako grits his teeth, closing his eyes. 

Angus is quiet for a second. 

“Will it… make it easier, if I pretend this isn’t happening?” he asks finally. 

Taako sniffs. “Yeah,” he mumbles. “A little.” 

“Okay. Then I’m glad to see you’re… totally okay and not having a weird uncomfortable breakdown at all, sir.” 

“Good job, kid.” 

They’re quiet again. 

“Sorry about your macaroons,” Taako says eventually. 

Angus shrugs. “Maybe… you can show me how to make better ones?” 

Taako nods, wiping the last of his tears from his eyes. “Yeah. Yeah, I could do that. Just, just don’t screw it up too bad, all right, kid, if we give Lucretia food poisoning she’ll probably want to throw me in with Pringles and I will throw you under the bus, _no question._ ” 

“Of course, sir.” There’s something too like understanding in Angus’s voice, and it makes Taako want to shout, a little, at how vulnerable it makes him feel, but he quashes it all down. 

 

It’s a weird experience, reliving all your memories at once, and then no time passing at all at the same time. 

It’s not the worst part. 

The _worst_  part, Taako thinks, as he comes back to himself, his awareness, this room, this world, the past hundred years frantically trying to slot themselves into place in an order that makes sense, is seeing a hand ready to pull a hood down, to show the truth, a hand outstretched to stop, a plea of _wait_ , and if Taako had, if he’d just waited for a _second…_

Well, to be perfectly honest, he probably still would have killed her, still blasted his sister down, the one person in the world he swore to himself to guard, the _one_  person he would always protect, no question, no matter what. 

All they had was each other. They had to have each other’s backs, that’s what they always said, and Taako, callously and calmly and quickly, stabbed her in hers. 

First, Taako falls to his knees, and he vomits. 

Then he points the staff, _Lup’s_   _staff_ , the staff he had robbed off her corpse without hesitation, without stopping to ask himself about the person who’d once held it, at Lucretia without question. He starts counting down. The count down doesn’t soothe him. Doesn’t calm him, doesn’t bring an end to this unceasing fury and guilt. 

He’ll never stop feeling guilty, he knows. Even if they don’t all die here today, which is starting to look pretty fucking unlikely, now that he knows what they’re up against, he will live with this for the rest of his life, and he will never be able to make up for it, no matter how hard he tried. The debt is too big. The guilt is too much. 

“You took _everything_  from me,” he seethes. “You-“ he realizes in a moment that comes with anger so blinding he literally can’t see for a moment. “Y _ou knew that I fucking killed her and you took everything from me._ ” 

Lucretia reminds them of the promise Lup swore her to and there’s a dark, nasty little voice in Taako that tells him to retaliate for her invoking her name, for throwing her in his face when she looked at him holding the Umbra Staff and knew, when she knew what it meant this whole time and never said a word, never did a thing. 

He ignores the voice, but he doesn’t care anymore. They can’t make him care. 

 

She always was one for her entrances, Taako thinks numbly as he watches her beautiful, phantasmal, resplendent form burst into being. She wouldn’t be his sister if she wasn’t. 

He waits to hear what she will say. How she will condemn him. Whether it will be less than he deserves. It will almost _certainly_  be less than he deserves. 

“ _You’re dating the Grim Reaper?_ ” she thunders, and he could almost cry, except he’s not going to do that, the first time he sees his sister knowing who she is in years. She’d never let him forget it, he tells himself, in place of the fact that he’s already cried _twice_  in _one campaign_  and he’s not about to do it _again._

“I knew, you know,” he tells her instead, straightening his hat. “I knew the entire time. Obviously. Just didn’t want to break your cool staff cause I knew you’d be mad.” 

Lup snorts. “Well, why didn’t you let me out sooner, dingus?” 

Taako scoffs. “Well, I didn’t remember you  _existed,_ goofus.” 

Lup laughs, and he can’t go any longer without saying anything. 

“Sorry about the, you know.” He coughs. “Ka-blammo, and all. But in all fairness, you ran off with just like, a _note_ , like a dramatic Gothic heroine or something, so like, even stevens, am I right? Do you remember that show? Disney Channel?” 

“Yeah, of _course_  I remember that show. Ran from 2000-2003, stupid.” She waves a hand. “Whatever. I threw a lit match at you when we were eight so like, twinsies.” 

It’s not enough, and Taako thinks he might have to (as little as he likes the prospect) talk to her about it properly later, try and properly apologize, say something, _anything_ , even if he still can’t fix this. 

But for now, as Barry approaches Lup, and she gives Taako no sign of anything other than love, anything other than forgiveness, it’s enough. It’ll be enough, until this goddamn arc is over. 

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been thinking about this for days and couldn't get it out of my head.
> 
> It's my first time writing for TAZ, and let me tell you, trying to nail that self referential McElroy voice was HARD, but I had fun doing it.
> 
> Come say hi over on tumblr, I'm @cosmicoceanfic.


End file.
